Let us be honest the kande pohe meeting has changed a lot. What used to be an formal meeting with a lot of tension and aunties checking out the bride is now more like a casual coffee date with your parents sitting nearby. The pohe is still. The filter coffee is still served in a steel dabba.. The questions that are asked they need to be updated.

The problem is that many families are still asking questions in a new world. Questions like “What’s your salary?” or “Do you want to live with your family or separately?” or “How many kids do you want?” are not bad questions but they do not tell us much about the person. They tell us how money the person makes, but not how they will handle a job loss. They tell us if they want to live with their family but not how they will handle arguments about household chores. The kande pohe meeting is supposed to be about getting to know the person. Many people have forgotten what they are supposed to be looking for.

So this is not a list of questions to ask but a guide on how to really get to know someone during these meetings.

Do not ask about salary ask about money habits. 

Salary is a number but money habits tell us a lot about the person. Ask them if they are a saver or a spender and if they are okay with their partner being different. This will lead to discussions about how they handle money. If they are compatible with you. Many marriages end because of money problems so it is good to talk about it

Ask about the time they had a big disagreement with their family. 

This is an important question but nobody ever asks it. Do not ask if they are close to their family because everyone will say yes. Ask them to tell you about the time they had a big fight with their parents. How they answer this question will tell you a lot about how they handle conflicts and if they’re emotionally mature. If they say something like “We had a disagreement. We talked about it and worked it out” that is a good sign. If they say they have never had a disagreement or if they get very angry that is a cause for concern.

Talk about career ambitions.

 Often men are encouraged to have career goals but women are expected to put their careers on hold. This is not okay. Ask each person where they see themselves in five years and what they are willing to compromise on. If they have goals and work ethics that is not necessarily a problem but it is good to talk about it early.

Mental health is important. 

Ask them if they have ever had therapy or if they have struggled with anxiety or depression. This is not to judge them but to start a conversation. Everyone has problems. It is good to know if the person is willing to talk about them. If they say something like “I had a time but I got help and it made me stronger” that is a good sign. If they try to hide their problems that is not good.

See how they react when you disagree with them. Make a comment that they might not agree with and see how they respond. Do they get defensive. Do they listen to your opinion and respect it? How they handle a disagreement will tell you a lot about how they will handle big conflicts in the future.

Finally think about what you want in a partner.

 Do not just think about what your parents want or what will look good to others. Think about what you need in a person someone who can understand you respect you and be comfortable with you. The kande pohe meeting is the beginning the important thing is to ask the right questions and find the right person. The pohe will always be served,. Make sure you are ready, for the real conversation.